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Archive for the ‘For My Princess Lili’ Category

My only kid.

 

 

Miss you every day of my life, Lili. 

You are always in my heart.

Love,

Daddy ❤

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Dear Lili,

Well, it’s been eight years now since I started this blog, hoping that someday you will find it and know how much I care about you, and how much I wanted to be a part of your life. If only I could hear from you the words “Happy Father’s Day” again… if only. In the meantime, all I can do is keep putting these “messages in bottles” so that you may one day understand who your Dad really is.

You are always in my heart ❤️

Love always,

Your Dad 💘👨‍👦💘

P.S. Here’s a picture of me from my 61st birthday.

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Dear Lili,


After your mother and I split up, I used to see you on the weekends — until that ended for reasons you will someday understand. I remember dropping you off at Makuhari Station when the weekend was over and sitting on the platform seat with tears in my eyes waiting for the Sobu Line back home, wondering when, or rather if, I’d be able to see you again. 

The very last time I saw you was in that very station in January 2005 when I was allowed to see your briefly to tell you that your grandmother had died. The very last image I have of you is you walking away with your mother and your other grandmother out of the station in this exact place.


I never did see you again after that except for a couple of pictures I received in 2010, some nine years ago now. I stayed far way from your home in Makuhari ever since, for reasons, again, you may come to understand one day. I will only say our separation was not my choice.

I would sometimes pass by Makuhari Station on the Narita Express on the way to the airport. The train travels at a very fast speed past the station, but I nevertheless always strained to look out the window on the remotest of chances that I might catch of glimpse of my only daughter. I never did, of course, but I repeated that ritual every time I passed by even so.

As letters and packages sent to you by your cousins came back “Return to Sender: Address Unknown”, I since learned by checking your old address on Google Street View that the house you used to live in doesn’t exist anymore, and that the area looks completely different. I recalled at that moment that your grandfather had told me that they were eventually going to have to move, that the area was going to be bought out by the government through eminent domain to build a new roadway. I don’t know when that happened, exactly, but it looks to have been done some time ago.

I used to think that at least I knew where you lived, and that I could contact you in case of an emergency or serious situation, as had indeed happened to me recently. But now I’m forced to admit that I know absolutely nothing about you — even your address. Nothing about you, my only child.

So I keep making these blog posts hoping that one day you will find me if you need me, as I no longer can find you through conventional means.

Love always,

Your Dad ❤

 

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How I felt the first time I saw your face, Lili. This made me think of you because this is how old you were the last time I saw you. 

Love,

Daddy

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Dear Lili,

I’m still here for you, as I always have been, if ever you should need me.

Love,

Dad ❤

 

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Dear Lili, 

I always wonder what I could have done to change the fate we now share. Was there something I could have said, some action I could have taken to keep you in my life. I know the answer is no, that I did everything I could to fight for you and to continue to be your father. So it’s not a rational thought, but one driven by emotion — emotion that supersedes logic and reason. 

Did I leave it too long? Can I ever hope now to undo the damage that has been done? I guess I’ll never know until we are reunited, if that ever comes to pass. In the meantime, like any father, I’l continue to question whether or not I could have prevented this sad sate of affairs from coming to pass. And even though my mind tells me I could not, my heart still suggests otherwise.

Love always, 

Dad ❤



 

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Dear Lili,

Sorry for wishing you a late Happy New Year. As I told you in the previous post, I’ve had to have a couple of surgeries over the past two months. They were kind of difficult, but both were very successful and I’m home now recuperating.

I’m hoping that 2019 is the year when you and I can be reunited as father and daughter. I don’t know where you live now, but you can still find me in the apartment where you took your first bath, and took your first steps, and spoke your first words. My door is always open to you if you ever find your way back here.

Until then, I’ll be thinking of you every day as I always do, and await your return to this side of your family.

You are always in my heart!

Love always,

Daddy

Howe Caverns, New York August 2003

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A few more of my favorite pics of us together!

Disney World, Orlando, Florida March 2003


Niagara Falls, New York, August 2003

Christmas 2003 at home

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