Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Butts Road

When you came with me to the doctor in Florida, we would pass this road in Boca Raton. Both of us used to laugh about it. Just one of the silly things I remember about you.

Indian Summer

On the wind
Summer’s leaving
It found me grieving
Living on my own thinking of you
Thinking of you

In the sand
By Rainbow River
My love did shiver till the fire and I warmed her again
Want you again
And I need you all through the night

Ah hold back the Winter Indian Summer
I’m not sure if I can take the snow
In mid December I can’t help but wonder
How will I ever last till the coldness goes

Baby I miss you all through the day

Ah hold back the Winter Indian Summer
I’m not sure if I can take the snow
In mid December I can’t help but wonder
How will I ever last till the coldness goes

Dear Lili,

After the separation, I still believed that somehow the bond we had forged would remain strong, despite “the forces” that conspired against us. I so looked forward to the weekends we shared together, even though it broke my heart every time I had to drop you off and say good-bye. We were close, as a father and daughter should be, and I truly believed that I could watch you grow up and that I could continue to be a good dad to you. I was wrong in that dream, of course, and little by little, I watched you slip away from me. Our visits became less and less frequent, until eventually they ended altogether. Somebody asked me today what I would have done differently. What more could I have done, though, than I had? The odds were stacked against us. It does now seem like a cruel and foolish game we used to play indeed.

Love always,

Your Dad ❤



How many of my friends have fought this battle despite the insurmountable odds. We gave our all, and suffered the cost, and we would wilingly do it all over again even with the bitter outcome foretold. Because that’s just what Dads do. You burst into the burning building without a thought to get to your child trapped inside. You don’t ask “Will I get burned?”

Dear Lili,

Sometimes I just don’t know what to say anymore. I don’t know the right words to bring us together again. Maybe there are none. But I’ll never give up on you. Someday, when you are a parent, you’ll understand how I feel.

You are always in my heart. Now and forever.

Love,

Your Dad ❤

I don’t know why exactly, but this song reminds me of you and the tender moments we shared when you were young.

You are always in my heart,

Dad

From our American Adventure in August 2003.



These birthdays are always bittersweet for me. Memories of the happy times we spent together, and the sadness that we have been separated for so long through decisions beyond our powers.

From our last birthday together when you were six years old


From the moment you were born, I lost my heart to you.





I did my best to care for you. You were everything to me, my purpose in life.

You are now and will always be, forever in my heart.

Love always,

Dad ❤

I remember how much you once loved me, Lili. Even if you don’t. I started this blog ten years ago this day, trying to reach out to you. I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but I kept it up all these years in the hopes that someday, somehow, you would find your Dad again and recapture that special bond that we once shared. Whatever you believe now — or have been made to believe — you only ever have one real father in this life. I hope for your sake and mine you one day come to realize that.

Love always,

Your Dad ❤


Unstuck in Time

Kurt Vonnegut


Dear Lili,

My favorite author, Kurt Vonnegut, describes in his book Slaughterhouse-Five becoming “unstuck in time,” in which the protagonist, Billy Pilgrim, finds himself uncontrollably shifting between the past, present, and future. This is the position I find myself in now. To me, you exist as the sweet young girl who loved her Daddy so much, the beautiful young woman you have now become, and the someday parent who understands how a man in my unenviable position in space and time now feels, cut off from his only child despite every intention and effort available to him to reunite with her. And yet, while all of these manifestations of you somehow exist simultaneously, to me none of them do. All of the “yous” that I can remember or imagine are unattainable to me.

It’s all very confusing. I’ve struggled all of these years to understand what happened to you and me — to us — and sometimes I have to just resign myself to the fact that I may never truly understand the strange and unfortunate course our lives have taken.

I wish I could just talk to you, to help you to understand the reality of what took place in my brief marriage to your mother. No doubt, you have heard one version of the events. Someday, I pray, you will seek out my side of the story, to at the very least recall the memories that you yourself have of what my relationship with you really was all about. We used to be so close, and it pains me immeasurably that that bond we once shared has been severed.

You are always in my heart. Always have been. Always will be.

Love,

Dad