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Archive for the ‘Songs for Lili’ Category

My only kid.

 

 

Miss you every day of my life, Lili. 

You are always in my heart.

Love,

Daddy ❤

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Dear Lili,


After your mother and I split up, I used to see you on the weekends — until that ended for reasons you will someday understand. I remember dropping you off at Makuhari Station when the weekend was over and sitting on the platform seat with tears in my eyes waiting for the Sobu Line back home, wondering when, or rather if, I’d be able to see you again. 

The very last time I saw you was in that very station in January 2005 when I was allowed to see your briefly to tell you that your grandmother had died. The very last image I have of you is you walking away with your mother and your other grandmother out of the station in this exact place.


I never did see you again after that except for a couple of pictures I received in 2010, some nine years ago now. I stayed far way from your home in Makuhari ever since, for reasons, again, you may come to understand one day. I will only say our separation was not my choice.

I would sometimes pass by Makuhari Station on the Narita Express on the way to the airport. The train travels at a very fast speed past the station, but I nevertheless always strained to look out the window on the remotest of chances that I might catch of glimpse of my only daughter. I never did, of course, but I repeated that ritual every time I passed by even so.

As letters and packages sent to you by your cousins came back “Return to Sender: Address Unknown”, I since learned by checking your old address on Google Street View that the house you used to live in doesn’t exist anymore, and that the area looks completely different. I recalled at that moment that your grandfather had told me that they were eventually going to have to move, that the area was going to be bought out by the government through eminent domain to build a new roadway. I don’t know when that happened, exactly, but it looks to have been done some time ago.

I used to think that at least I knew where you lived, and that I could contact you in case of an emergency or serious situation, as had indeed happened to me recently. But now I’m forced to admit that I know absolutely nothing about you — even your address. Nothing about you, my only child.

So I keep making these blog posts hoping that one day you will find me if you need me, as I no longer can find you through conventional means.

Love always,

Your Dad ❤

 

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How I felt the first time I saw your face, Lili. This made me think of you because this is how old you were the last time I saw you. 

Love,

Daddy

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Dear Lili,

I’m still here for you, as I always have been, if ever you should need me.

Love,

Dad ❤

 

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Dear Lili, 

I always wonder what I could have done to change the fate we now share. Was there something I could have said, some action I could have taken to keep you in my life. I know the answer is no, that I did everything I could to fight for you and to continue to be your father. So it’s not a rational thought, but one driven by emotion — emotion that supersedes logic and reason. 

Did I leave it too long? Can I ever hope now to undo the damage that has been done? I guess I’ll never know until we are reunited, if that ever comes to pass. In the meantime, like any father, I’l continue to question whether or not I could have prevented this sad sate of affairs from coming to pass. And even though my mind tells me I could not, my heart still suggests otherwise.

Love always, 

Dad ❤



 

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Dear Lili,

I can hardly believe that it was 20 years ago this evening that I was sitting in the waiting room at Keio Hospital awaiting your birth. How is it possible that today, you are no longer a child, but an adult? And me? I’m a 60-year-old man now, planning my retirement.

I wish I could have watched you grow up all these years. I wish I could have taught you how to ride a bicycle, and taken you camping in the mountains, and seen you graduate from junior high school, and comfort you the first time some boy broke your heart. I wish I could have done a lot of things, but that was not to be. The reason why I guess you’ll come to understand in time now that you’ve become an adult.

But for now, my only hope is that you will believe that I would have been a part of your life if I could have, and that I tried with everything I could to be a part of your life. Your father never walked away from you. I am still here, and I’m still waiting for you after all of these years to pick up the phone and call, to send me an email, or to knock on my door.

And for now, I will keep posting notes in this blog, like messages in bottles that I cast out onto the tides in hopes that one day they will reach you, and one day you will know that your father never forgot about you, and that the father you once knew and loved is still the same, and that for him, his love for you has never changed.

Happy 20th Birthday, Sweetheart.

You are always in my heart!

Love always,

Your Dad

P.S. Here’s the only gift I can give you now — a song.

 


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Dear Lili,

How is it possible that 19 years ago at this very minute I was sitting in Keio Hospital waiting for the birth of my first, and as it turns out, my only child. Time just keeps slipping by, faster and faster it seems the older I become.
And over the past 13 years since I last saw you, I’ve waited for you to pick up the phone, send me an email, or knock on my door. Despite the thousands of disappointing days that have gone by since our parting, I have never given up hope that someday we can be the father and daughter we once were. I don’t know what you remember, it’s been so long. But I remember. I remember it all. We used to be very close. We laughed and sang and played silly games together. We watched Pingu and Peewee Herman and Dumbo together. And nothing could come between us. Until it did.
I still have all of your things — your baby shoes and toddler clothes, your books, your toys, and your drawings. Someday when  you want to know who you really are and where you came from, it’s all here, these souvenirs of a life once lived, of happy times a father and daughter once shared together.

I’ve never said a bad word to you about your mother, and I never will. To me, the idea of coming between a parent and a child is unimaginable. You have to decide how you feel about your parents. You and you alone. I just hope that someday you will want to know the other side of who you are. 

As I’ve said to you many times before,

You are always in my heart.

Love always, 

Daddy XOXOXO

❤ ❤ ❤

 

Souvenirs
by Dan Fogelberg

Here is a poem
That my lady sent down
Some morning while
I was away.
Wrote on the back of
A leaf that she found
Somewhere around Monterey.

And here is the key
To a house far away
Where I used to live
As a child.
They tore down the building
When I moved away
And left the key unreconciled.

And down in the canyon
The smoke starts to rise.
It rides on the wind
Till it reaches your eyes.
When faced with the past
The strongest man cries…cries.

And down in the canyon
The smoke starts to rise.
It rides on the wind
Till it reaches your eyes.
When faced with the past
The strongest man cries…cries.

And here is a sunrise
To set on your sill.
The ghosts of the dawn
Moving near.
They pass through your sorrow
And leave you quite still…
Sitting among souvenirs.

……………………………………….

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