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Archive for the ‘For My Princess Lili’ Category

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Dear Lili,

Once after your mother and I separated you spent the weekend with me. I didn’t know it at the time, but the weekends we were to spend together were fast disappearing, through no fault of my own. I desperately tried to maintain our relationship and be what I always had been to you — your Daddy, the first man in your life, and the man to whom you could always depend upon to be there for you. Sadly, other people had different ideas and sought to undermine the love we shared.

That one weekend, in the genkan right before we left for the train to bring you back to your mother’s house, you suddenly turned to me and said “Don’t forget me, Daddy.” Of course, I burst into tears, wondering how such a thought could possibly enter your head, how you could possibly imagine that I could ever foregt you. You were my whole life, my sweet little angel, and I could no more forget you than I could forget my own name. I assured you of course that I never would, never could, forget you. The words you spoke to me that day have haunted me ever since, and they make me cry all over again whenever I think of them.

I hope someday you find this blog and understand that I never did forget you. I hope you come to understand someday that I fought long and hard to remain in your life, and that I would be there for you still if I had been able.

The love a father has for his daughter is forever. I will never, ever forget the love we once shared and what you meant to me, what you mean to me still.

Love always,

Your Dad

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Dear Lili,

Another year has come and gone. And here I am, instead of celebrating a birthday with my only child, sending another message in a bottle, one that I can only hope will reach you someday. And here I am again, wondering what to even say to you anymore. The years that have passed are like an ever widening gulf between us, and I just don’t know how to reach you. Still, I will never give up hoping until my dying breath that one day we will be reunited again. Dum spiro spero. (As I breathe, I hope.) Until that day comes — if ever it does — know now and forevermore that you are always in my heart. And if you can’t remmeber the love we once shared, I guess I’ll just have to remember for the both of us.

Love always,

Your Dad

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I’ll remember for both of us.



You are always in my heart.

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How many of my friends have fought this battle despite the insurmountable odds. We gave our all, and suffered the cost, and we would wilingly do it all over again even with the bitter outcome foretold. Because that’s just what Dads do. You burst into the burning building without a thought to get to your child trapped inside. You don’t ask “Will I get burned?”

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I don’t know why exactly, but this song reminds me of you and the tender moments we shared when you were young.

You are always in my heart,

Dad

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From our American Adventure in August 2003.

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These birthdays are always bittersweet for me. Memories of the happy times we spent together, and the sadness that we have been separated for so long through decisions beyond our powers.

From our last birthday together when you were six years old


From the moment you were born, I lost my heart to you.





I did my best to care for you. You were everything to me, my purpose in life.

You are now and will always be, forever in my heart.

Love always,

Dad ❤

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I remember how much you once loved me, Lili. Even if you don’t. I started this blog ten years ago this day, trying to reach out to you. I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but I kept it up all these years in the hopes that someday, somehow, you would find your Dad again and recapture that special bond that we once shared. Whatever you believe now — or have been made to believe — you only ever have one real father in this life. I hope for your sake and mine you one day come to realize that.

Love always,

Your Dad ❤


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Kurt Vonnegut


Dear Lili,

My favorite author, Kurt Vonnegut, describes in his book Slaughterhouse-Five becoming “unstuck in time,” in which the protagonist, Billy Pilgrim, finds himself uncontrollably shifting between the past, present, and future. This is the position I find myself in now. To me, you exist as the sweet young girl who loved her Daddy so much, the beautiful young woman you have now become, and the someday parent who understands how a man in my unenviable position in space and time now feels, cut off from his only child despite every intention and effort available to him to reunite with her. And yet, while all of these manifestations of you somehow exist simultaneously, to me none of them do. All of the “yous” that I can remember or imagine are unattainable to me.

It’s all very confusing. I’ve struggled all of these years to understand what happened to you and me — to us — and sometimes I have to just resign myself to the fact that I may never truly understand the strange and unfortunate course our lives have taken.

I wish I could just talk to you, to help you to understand the reality of what took place in my brief marriage to your mother. No doubt, you have heard one version of the events. Someday, I pray, you will seek out my side of the story, to at the very least recall the memories that you yourself have of what my relationship with you really was all about. We used to be so close, and it pains me immeasurably that that bond we once shared has been severed.

You are always in my heart. Always have been. Always will be.

Love,

Dad

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