How is it possible that 19 years ago at this very minute I was sitting in Keio Hospital waiting for the birth of my first, and as it turns out, my only child. Time just keeps slipping by, faster and faster it seems the older I become.
And over the past 13 years since I last saw you, I’ve waited for you to pick up the phone, send me an email, or knock on my door. Despite the thousands of disappointing days that have gone by since our parting, I have never given up hope that someday we can be the father and daughter we once were. I don’t know what you remember, it’s been so long. But I remember. I remember it all. We used to be very close. We laughed and sang and played silly games together. We watched Pingu and Peewee Herman and Dumbo together. And nothing could come between us. Until it did.
I still have all of your things — your baby shoes and toddler clothes, your books, your toys, and your drawings. Someday when you want to know who you really are and where you came from, it’s all here, these souvenirs of a life once lived, of happy times a father and daughter once shared together.
I’ve never said a bad word to you about your mother, and I never will. To me, the idea of coming between a parent and a child is unimaginable. You have to decide how you feel about your parents. You and you alone. I just hope that someday you will want to know the other side of who you are.
Here is a poem That my lady sent down Some morning while I was away. Wrote on the back of A leaf that she found Somewhere around Monterey.
And here is the key To a house far away Where I used to live As a child. They tore down the building When I moved away And left the key unreconciled.
And down in the canyon The smoke starts to rise. It rides on the wind Till it reaches your eyes. When faced with the past The strongest man cries…cries.
And down in the canyon The smoke starts to rise. It rides on the wind Till it reaches your eyes. When faced with the past The strongest man cries…cries.
And here is a sunrise To set on your sill. The ghosts of the dawn Moving near. They pass through your sorrow And leave you quite still… Sitting among souvenirs.
Someday, I hope you will come to understand that this long separation from you was not my choice. I tried for years to be a part of your life, but I guess you’ll have to take my word for that now. There are many things that you don’t know, and once you start to search for answers to what happened to us, I will be happy to tell you my side of the story. Until then, I’ll wait, as I always have, for your telephone call, your email or your knock on my door. My heart and my arms will always be open for you.
Love always,
Daddy ❤
Back on the Chain Gang, by The Pretenders
I found a picture of you, oh oh oh oh What hijacked my world that night To a place in the past We’ve been cast out of? Oh oh oh oh Now we’re back in the fight We’re back on the train Oh, back on the chain gang
A circumstance beyond our control, Oh oh oh oh The phone, the TV and the news of the world Got in the house like a pigeon from hell, oh oh oh oh Threw sand in our eyes and descended like flies Put us back on the train Oh, back on the chain gang
The powers that be That force us to live like we do Bring me to my knees When I see what they’ve done to you But I’ll die as I stand here today Knowing that deep in my heart They’ll fall to ruin one day For making us part
I found a picture of you, oh oh oh oh Those were the happiest days of my life Like a break in the battle was your part, oh oh oh oh In the wretched life of a lonely heart Now we’re back on the train Oh, back on the chain gang
I never stopped worrying about you, and I guess I never will. I hope you are taking good care of yourself. Because I’ll always remember you like a child, girl.
Love always and forever,
Daddy ❤
Wild World
by Cat Stevens
Now that I’ve lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it’s breakin’ my heart you’re leavin’
Baby, I’m grievin’
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
I’ll always remember you like a child, girl
You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do
And it’s breakin’ my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don’t be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
I’ll always remember you like a child, girl
Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
I’ll always remember you like a child, girl
This song makes me think of you, Lili, especially these words:
“Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
I’m getting older too
Oh I’m getting older too.”
Love,
Daddy ❤
.
Landslide, by Fleetwood Mac
I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
And can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Oh oh I don’t know, oh I don’t know
Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m getting older too
Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
I’m getting older too
Oh I’m getting older too
Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring you down, down
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring you down
Well well, the landslide will bring you down
Happy 18th Birthday, Sweetheart! Hard to believe that you are all grown up now. In my mind, you’re still that beautiful six-year-old kid I last saw way back in January 2005.
I keep sending these messages here on this blog hoping that maybe you are reading them, or that maybe someday you will read them. Despite everything that has happened, despite the distance in time that has separated us, I still believe that somehow, someway, somewhere, we will meet again, and that the love we shared as father and daughter can be shared again between us.
There is a saying in Latin that goes “Dum sipiro spero” which means, “As I breathe, I hope.” It’s how any father would feel under the circumstances. I have to believe that one day we will be reunited, as the alternative is just too painful to contemplate.
And so I”m sending you this song from your grandparent’s day which carries my hopes, my dreams, my wishes for the future.
You are always in my heart. Now and forever.
Love always,
Your Dad ❤
.
.
We’ll Meet Again, by Vera Lynn
We’ll meet again,
Don’t know where,
Don’t know when
But I know we’ll meet again some sunny day.
Keep smiling through,
Just like you always do
Till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away.
It really struck me today when I thought about the fact that it was 17 years ago that I was waiting at the hospital for you to come into this world. I couldn’t get my mind around the idea because for me, in many ways, time has stood still. I don’t know you now. All I know is the loving kid you used to be, and how close you and I once were. Six-year old Lili is the last face-to-face image I have of you in my mind.
And I’m still here, in the place that is left behind, nurturing the memories of the only daughter I know — that beautiful little girl who loved her Daddy so much, and who was and is loved by her Daddy back.
You are taking your first cautious steps across the floor where I sit as I write this. You are playing on the swings, lighting sparklers, and building sand castles in the neighborhood park. I can hear you running to the door to greet me after you hear my footsteps on the outside stairs. You are nestled in bed, asking me to sing “Rock-a-My-Baby” (your cute title) “one hundred thousand hundred million billion times more.” And I roll my eyes and say in a funny voice, “Dat’s too much!” And we laugh and laugh! 😂😂😂
So I don’t know what or if you think about your Dad too much, but I know I not only think of you — your presence is aways felt around these parts.
This song, by The Chi-Lites, captures much of the feelings I had after you stopped coming by Higashi-Nakano to visit. I still feel like someday I may bump into you around town, so I guess I’m always looking out for you in a way.
Memories are all I can give you now. That and a father’s love, which I hope you someday come to realize.
You are always in my heart! 💘💘💘
Love always,
Dad 💓😍💓
Have You Seen Her?
by The Chi-Lites
[Spoken:]
One month ago today
I was happy as a lark
But now I go for walks
To the movies – maybe to the park
And have a seat on the same old bench
To watch the children play (huh)
You know, tomorrow is their future
But to me, just another day
They all gather around me
They seem to know my name
We laugh, tell a few jokes
But it still doesn’t ease my pain
I know I can’t hide from a memory
Though day after day I’ve tried
I keep sayin’ she’ll be back
But today again I lied
*
Oh, I see her face everywhere I go
On the street, and even at the pictureshow
Have you seen her?
Tell me, have you seen her?
Oh, I hear her voice as the cold winds blow
In the sweet music on my radio
Have you seen her?
Tell me, have you seen her?
*
Why, oh, why
Did she have to leave and go away (oh, yeah)
Oh-oh-oh, I’ve been used to havin’ someone to lean on
And I’m lost
Baby, I’m lost (Oh)
*
Oh, she left her kiss upon my lips
But left that break within my heart
Have you seen her?
Tell me, have you seen her?
Oh, I see her hand reaching out to me
Only she can set me free
Have you seen her?
Tell me, have you seen her?
*
[Spoken:]
As another day comes to an end
I’m lookin’ for a letter or somethin’
Anything that she would send
With all the people I know
I’m still a lonely man
You know, it’s funny
I thought I had her in the palm of my hand
*
[Repeat to fade:]
Have you seen her
Tell me, have you seen her (tell me, have you seen her?)
This is kind of a sad song, I guess. It makes me think of the last time I saw your face nearly ten years ago now. Your grandmother had just passed away, and I was allowed 30 minutes in the train station in the coffee shop to tell you the news. As you walked away, I never realized at the time that it would be the last I’d see you for all these many years. What might I have said to you had I known, I cannot say.
Anyway, here is the song called Ashokan Farewell, performed by Jay Unger and the Molly Mason Family Band.
Here’s another song for you called Crow Dog’s Paradise. It is on that CD we bought when we visited Niagara Falls together in August of 2003.
We listened to this CD — Hearts, Hands & Hides — a lot in the car, and you liked it as much as I did.
And the songs will always remind me of that last vacation you and I took together. It never fails to make me cry a little bit for all the good times we could have had together, but couldn’t. Know always that I wanted to be there for you, but, well, “things” got in the way.
Love always,
Your Dad
Here’s the song. No English words, but it still says so many things to me.
Sometimes I just can’t find the words to say to tell you how much I miss you. Just the other day was the tenth “anniversary” of the last time we spent a weekend together, visiting Kasai Rinkai Koen.
I just don’t know where the time has gone. So many of the other left-behind parents I know have now reconnected with their kid(s), but for us, I guess our time just hasn’t come yet. I want to reach out to you, but I’m afraid that doing so would drive you even further away, so I wait. I wait for you to come back to me, as I have been these long years.
Here’s a song that was really famous when I was a kid about a man who, like me, never thought the person they loved would be lost to him. It’s called “Fire and Rain” by James Taylor, and it says what I feel sometimes when I think of you and me and all the happy times we once spent together.I miss you more than words can say, and I just want you to know that I’ll always be here for you should you ever want to be a part of my life again.
Until then, as I’ve said many times before, “You are always in my heart.”
Happy Sweet Sixteenth Birthday, Sweetheart. As always, I wish I were there to share your birthday with you! I can only imagine what a lovely young lady you have become. I can hardly believe you’re 16 years old already. Where has all the time gone? It seems like only yesterday when I held you in my arms at Keio University Hospital way back in 1998 and welcomed you into the world as your Daddy.
No matter how many years pass, though, my Daddy’s love for you will never change. You will always be my darling princess, and now, I guess, my teenage queen.
I’d love to send you a present for your birthday, but since I can’t do that, I’ll have to give you a present this way. Here’s a really old Rock ‘n’ Roll song that you might like that celebrates this very special day for you. It’s called “Sixteen Candles” by The Crests.
Anyway, I hope you like it. It’s not much, i know, but it’s all I have to give you now.
My door is always open for you. You don’t have to call or write — just knock on my door and come back to your first home and spend some time with you Dad if you want to. Anytime.
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