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How many of my friends have fought this battle despite the insurmountable odds. We gave our all, and suffered the cost, and we would wilingly do it all over again even with the bitter outcome foretold. Because that’s just what Dads do. You burst into the burning building without a thought to get to your child trapped inside. You don’t ask “Will I get burned?”

From our American Adventure in August 2003.

Kurt Vonnegut

Dear Lili,

My favorite author, Kurt Vonnegut, describes in his book Slaughterhouse-Five becoming “unstuck in time,” in which the protagonist, Billy Pilgrim, finds himself uncontrollably shifting between the past, present, and future. This is the position I find myself in now. To me, you exist as the sweet young girl who loved her Daddy so much, the beautiful young woman you have now become, and the someday parent who understands how a man in my unenviable position in space and time now feels, cut off from his only child despite every intention and effort available to him to reunite with her. And yet, while all of these manifestations of you somehow exist simultaneously, to me none of them do. All of the “yous” that I can remember or imagine are unattainable to me.

It’s all very confusing. I’ve struggled all of these years to understand what happened to you and me — to us — and sometimes I have to just resign myself to the fact that I may never truly understand the strange and unfortunate course our lives have taken.

I wish I could just talk to you, to help you to understand the reality of what took place in my brief marriage to your mother. No doubt, you have heard one version of the events. Someday, I pray, you will seek out my side of the story, to at the very least recall the memories that you yourself have of what my relationship with you really was all about. We used to be so close, and it pains me immeasurably that that bond we once shared has been severed.

You are always in my heart. Always have been. Always will be.

Love,

Dad

Merry Christmas, Lili!

I hope you are well and happy. I think about you every day. A daughter remains forever in her father’s heart, no matter how many years have passed or whatever distance has grown between them.

As always, I wonder what gift I can give you now. And the only thing I know I can do is to post here and share with you memories of times gone by.

2003 was our last Christmas together. We were supposed to spend 10 days together, but a doctor’s appointment was reason enough to shorten our time together to just a couple of days. I had so looked forward to spending more quality time with you, but it was not to be.

Still, we managed to have fun together, and it is a memory I will cherish forever, like all of the other memories I have of you that I hold close to my heart in my “memory box.”

Again, I make my New Year’s wish that this will finally be the year when you and I are reunited.

You are always in my heart.

Love,

Daddy