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The Well of Sadness

 

There is a place to which you go even though you know you should not. You are driven by an unquenchable thirst to feel, to somehow connect with that which once was, but is no more. Across a desert of loneliness you cross, feeling the searing heat of the unadulterated sun upon your back, while you try in the bright light of day to make sense of the loss and alienation that has become your life.

The vast expanse of endless sand is strangely comforting, though, because it places distance between yourself and that which you know will cause you pain. The desert has no memory, and so we can become lost in a wilderness of our own making, where the bad things cannot harm us. The starkness allows no place for monsters to hide.

Inevitably, though, you must drink. The memories are the only thing, you believe, capable of rehydrating your withered life, this shell of a father, this man both with child yet without child, this curious remnant of family living all alone in his forlorn man cave. Left behind. Left behind.

Thus, you make your way to the Well of Sadness. There the water is cool and refreshing. It lets you experience ever so briefly the happiness that you felt as a parent once upon a time, in that place that is displaced from you in time. It reminds you that it was real, that even though you wander the desert now as one cast aside, it really happened, that once you were Daddy. Yet the water in the well is unsafe to drink. Memories that bring most parents delight cause intense pain, and you find yourself doubled over cursing the ladle that brought the water to your lips. And though you know that you must stop, the Well calls unto you, and invites you to drink. “More.” “More.” And you do not resist.

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June 30, 2015

Dear Lili-chan,

It really struck me today when I thought about the fact that it was 17 years ago that I was waiting at the hospital for you to come into this world. I couldn’t get my mind around the idea because for me, in many ways, time has stood still. I don’t know you now. All I know is the loving kid you used to be, and how close you and I once were. Six-year old Lili is the last face-to-face image I have of you in my mind.

And I’m still here, in the place that is left behind, nurturing the memories of the only daughter I know — that beautiful little girl who loved her Daddy so much, and who was and is loved by her Daddy back.

You are taking your first cautious steps across the floor where I sit as I write this. You are playing on the swings, lighting sparklers, and building sand castles in the neighborhood park. I can hear you running to the door to greet me after you hear my footsteps on the outside stairs. You are nestled in bed, asking me to sing “Rock-a-My-Baby” (your cute title) “one hundred thousand hundred million billion times more.” And I roll my eyes and say in a funny voice, “Dat’s too much!” And we laugh and laugh! 😂😂😂

So I don’t know what or if you think about your Dad too much, but I know I not only think of you — your presence is aways felt around these parts.

This song, by The Chi-Lites, captures much of the feelings I had after you stopped coming by Higashi-Nakano to visit. I still feel like someday I may bump into you around town, so I guess I’m always looking out for you in a way.

Memories are all I can give you now. That and a father’s love, which I hope you someday come to realize.

You are always in my heart! 💘💘💘

Love always,

Dad 💓😍💓

Have You Seen Her?

by The Chi-Lites

[Spoken:]
One month ago today
I was happy as a lark
But now I go for walks
To the movies – maybe to the park
And have a seat on the same old bench
To watch the children play (huh)
You know, tomorrow is their future
But to me, just another day
They all gather around me
They seem to know my name
We laugh, tell a few jokes
But it still doesn’t ease my pain

I know I can’t hide from a memory

Though day after day I’ve tried

I keep sayin’ she’ll be back
But today again I lied

*
Oh, I see her face everywhere I go
On the street, and even at the pictureshow
Have you seen her?
Tell me, have you seen her?
Oh, I hear her voice as the cold winds blow
In the sweet music on my radio
Have you seen her?
Tell me, have you seen her?

*
Why, oh, why
Did she have to leave and go away (oh, yeah)
Oh-oh-oh, I’ve been used to havin’ someone to lean on
And I’m lost
Baby, I’m lost (Oh)

*
Oh, she left her kiss upon my lips
But left that break within my heart
Have you seen her?
Tell me, have you seen her?
Oh, I see her hand reaching out to me
Only she can set me free
Have you seen her?
Tell me, have you seen her?

*
[Spoken:]
As another day comes to an end
I’m lookin’ for a letter or somethin’
Anything that she would send
With all the people I know
I’m still a lonely man
You know, it’s funny
I thought I had her in the palm of my hand

*
[Repeat to fade:]
Have you seen her
Tell me, have you seen her (tell me, have you seen her?)

🐻

valentine

Dear Lili,

Thinking of you as always on Valentine’s Day. There is no greater love than that of a father for his daughter. Know that, no matter what happens, I will always be there for you. You are my special princess, and 

You are always in my heart!

Love always,

Daddy XXXOOO

<3 <3 <3

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Christmas 2014

Dear Lili,

Merry Christmas, Sweetheart! I hope you’re having a happy time.

I think about you a lot at Christmas time. Every year I put up prints of the drawings you made, and it make me feel a little bit like you’re here. Of course, you’re always with me in my heart. 

 

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I put up the Christmas tree every year. I bought some new LED lights and it looks really beautiful this year. I hope you come to see it one day and spend a few days at Christmastime with your Dad like we used to do. It was always a special time of year for us.

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I often think of the happy times we shared, like how you used to ride on my shoulders, which you called “ride on top.”

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Missing you most at Christmas, and hoping for the day when we no longer have to be separated at this time of year…

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Love always and forever,

Your Loving Dad <3 <3 <3

Ashokan Farewell

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Ashokan Farewell:

http://youtu.be/2kZASM8OX7s

**********************************

Dear Lili,

This is kind of a sad song, I guess. It makes me think of the last time I saw your face nearly ten years ago now. Your grandmother had just passed away, and I was allowed 30 minutes in the train station in the coffee shop to tell you the news. As you walked away, I never realized at the time that it would be the last I’d see you for all these many years. What might I have said to you had I known, I cannot say.

Anyway, here is the song called Ashokan Farewell, performed by Jay Unger and the Molly Mason Family Band.

Missing you always.

Love forever,

Daddy <3 <3 <3

Dear Lili,

Here’s another song for you called Crow Dog’s Paradise. It is on that CD we bought when we visited Niagara Falls together in August of 2003.

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We listened to this CD — Hearts, Hands & Hides — a lot in the car, and you liked it as much as I did. 

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And the songs will always remind me of that last vacation you and I took together. It never fails to make me cry a little bit for all the good times we could have had together, but couldn’t. Know always that I wanted to be there for you, but, well, “things” got in the way.

Love always,

Your Dad

Here’s the song. No English words, but it still says so many things to me.

http://youtu.be/0ClCyQoEH-I

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